I found out I was a joke all along.

You have a good way with words.

Wish you all would have told me sooner.

believing in God is like having an on-line boyfriend.

lol I was reading someone’s post and they said their Christmas gift to God was “undying love and faithfulness”

Anyway… been working across the river lately. That mall is dead. I remember when it was alive. I’m going to go .I don’t have much to say.

Peel the skin back and take a peek

Once only dirty skin deep

Now forever tainted beneath the seams

Felt you inside my veins

As if my being contained

The electricity that you exclaimed

Looking back, I clearly see

Electricity, or what I thought to be,

Was merely infernal poison to me

With eyes shut and too much to say

You reduced the price of life today

It’s more than easy to give away

I had a dream that I was stroking a past love with my hand, asking him if it made him feel better. All I wanted was for him to love me without judgment. Why?

Why am I afraid that this is the end of my life? People live with it. Life goes on.

I guess it just changes my whole lifestyle. I’ve been promiscuous. That is how I have always been. I don’t know how to not have sex all the time. I should have known this would happen eventually… I took the risk everyday.

But I thought this was different. I thought he was in love with me and wouldn’t hurt me. I should have known.

I know I said I wasn’t upset about that part. The cheating. But, I am now. I can’t lie. It didn’t hurt me at first but the more that the shock leaves from the big part… the more the cheating sets in as well. I’m not necessarily upset that it happened, but I am that he lied/didn’t tell me. And that it turned out so badly…

I write this in my blog and hope that he’ll read it. Will you read this? I don’t know how to talk to you about it. I suck with confrontation. I don’t want to make you mad. I don’t want to hurt you.

I don’t know if I can do this. There are things I need. I have a son. There are things he needs.

I need to grow up, build a life for him and myself… I need to get my head straight. I don’t know if you have the same goals/values.

I don’t know how to talk to you about this. *sigh* I hope you read this. Or that I figure out a way to say it to you soon.

I have what can’t be cured.

I feel like a disease now. More than I already was.

Hard, solid, intimidating

Float on over, soft and easy

Sharp and snippy don’t win them all

Coursing through my veins

I feel you there

Fighting away my immunity

I can feel it there

Just a little there

Race with the clock

Abusing time, move the hands

Run away boat in the rapids

Here I sit, needing something to do…. with so many things to say, but not exactly sure what they are or where to start.

I guess I’ll just choose a random place to begin.

I’m broke. I need to get back on cam to make some cash, but I can’t necessarily do that in the room I live in. Not only is it literally about 30 degrees in my room… but I don’t have the privacy I need. I can’t get a place to live/work because I’m broke. I’m glad to be home from Vegas but I need to make money.

I’m behind on my phone bill. I’m behind on my car insurance. I owe college of Southern Nevada $3000. My student loans will be hitting me in either February or March. I make minimum wage and my checks have been about 400 to 430 dollars. That does not get me far at all. I feel like crying. I don’t even have rent to pay yet and I can’t afford this. I need to cam again.

My problem with camming? Creepy fucking stalkers. Avoiding them. The ones that pay the best are the ones that want the info. If you don’t give them the info, they don’t give you the money. It sucks a lot out of a person to have a “second life.”   Like where my name is Allison,  I live in a different state, I don’t have an address to give out (or I have a p.o. box)… etc.   I guess I need to do some replanning.

Another thing… I feel like I’m doing this alone.

K&C help me with L. Which I am very grateful for because I can’t afford daycare… I’ve had help here and there w/ bills and such. But they’re not coming my way anymore… I don’t want them to anyway. Charity makes me feel bad.

I don’t want to ask Anthony to help me because I don’t want to make him feel obligated to support me and L. He didn’t rack up my loans/bills/etc. He has his own things to pay. He doesn’t make much more than I do, I don’t think.

Idk. I don’t understand how people get by. Work, pay, work, pay, work, pay. Fuck. I just want to enjoy life. Why all the busting ass and paying everyone? Money is stupid. Life is too short for it. But I can’t just go without it or me and L will be on the street.

I haven’t toked in a week. I am super stressed. I want to cry.

…and I feel like slitting everyone’s throat.