Doctor just said my cousin has it.

I hope Loghan doesn’t get it… no medical insurance. =[ Fuck.

Last night I was talking to Mok. We were talking about life, and the point of. I was saying how I didn’t see a point to it. He told me that he thought life was like a song.. the only point being to be seen/heard. That stuck in my head.

Today I was laying at the park, just thinking. I asked Nicole if she ever felt like she could see the whole world around her but not be a part of it. Like being an audience member. She admitted that she did feel the same, and had been thinking about that lately as well. I told her about what Mok said and we took it a bit further. She said she can always see everyone else has a “song” of sorts but she doesn’t know what her own is. I could relate.

If my life was a song, I wonder what kind it would be.

All I can hope is that I’m singing in tune.

I wrote a lot yesterday.

Parasitus
Slowly I begin to feel it
Appreciation for this place as I go to leave
A hunger took hold, I must feed
I’ll return once I lie awake
Can’t sleep for days, or perhaps
When I fall asleep to live in dreams
Now all I can ask is miss me so
I’ll be home
To expose the womb enclosed
It has grown inside
Now watch me grow inside of you

———————

Personal Realm
A dozen bajillion holes in the sky
Complicating all of our eyes
I found a way to see ahead
I see you on your thrown
You’re reaching out
I’m falling in
We’ll dance until the music fades
——————–

Glowering In Your Eyes
Subtle words tell me a million stories
I’ve seen them in your eyes
Come in closer, I’m trying to find myself
In your eyes

stop wasting time with me
you’ll never see the point
criss crosses and other dots
all along the path
you’ve forgotten the rules
our race will dissolve
follow me back to the pack

A pack of my own
I’ll feel once again
I won’t return with your breed
My eyes are changing
My world is growing
Please, leave me in peace.

———————-

Shrill
Can someone please breathe?
I’ve taken all that I can see
now I must run and hide
Before my life collides with you again
Now hear me scream
I’m erasing all my promises
Tonight I can’t bare to face you again
hear me scream?
I’m running

———————–

Simple Design
Simple design you told me
Intricate weaves you showed me
Speak of the days- I’m lost in time
Where do you reside?
Are there peepholes in the walls?
Or translucent barriers to hold you in
Seal you inside a box
The eyes don’t harm your simple design
But mine, though simple to me,
Isn’t simple to you at all

Tonight after dinner I fell asleep on the couch. When I woke up, for some reason all I could smell was my grandma’s house. For a minute, I was just a little girl again. Curled up with grandma on her couch. Rubbing her soft skin, and watching her watch her soap operas. I always did that..

Now this feeling of nostalgia is filling me. There are tears in my eyes, and it’s useless.

I read about people feeling like this in my books. It’s such a beautiful sadness when it happens to them. But when it happens to me, it’s so surreal. I can’t exactly explain it.

I want to fall back to sleep.

When I hear Kings of Leon, something inside of me lights up..
But it kind of makes me want to cry too.

I’m going to miss seeing them live by about a week…
Oh well, I’ll try to make another show.

This is going to be really hard for me. I have such a hard time letting go of things. I’m a bit of a packrat I guess you could say. I’m going to throw away all my childhood stuffed animals..some of which belonged to my mom… I think I’m going to leave some books here.. the ones that belonged to my mom…

Only take stuff I absolutely cannot stand to leave behind. Eeps. This is going to be difficult.

Another difficult, confrontational day. I hate confrontation. I want to cry again.

I’m leaving October 19th.

Crazy how I came out here to get away, and now I want to get away from here.

Don’t say you told me so.

I told my aunt I was moving back home today but didn’t know when. She was supportive because she said she knew what it was like to miss home.

Then when I got home I was lectured. My aunt found out that I smoke. Now all of a sudden I’m a terrible mother, lazy ass, and pothead. I was literally told that Loghan deserves better than me. Well, he probably does but not because I’m a smoker.

Fuck prohibition and all the bullshit people believe about marijuana because of it.

www.norml.com

I don’t believe how so many people can know the truth, but then so many people don’t.

I am moving back home as soon as the people that love me for who I am can get out here. Aiming for October.

Funny part of the whole this is, though… my aunt called my mom. My mom went to Keith and Carol [where I will be living when I go back home] and told them that she wanted to “warn” them about me. When she told them I smoked they said they already knew and pretty much were like, who cares? Then my mom tried feeding them that I am a lazy ass and terrible person and that I should have lost Loghan a long time ago. Carol told my mom “k thanks” pretty much then talked to me. They want me to come live with them.. not to “save” me from marijuana.. but to save me from the hassle of them.

I’m glad I have people in my life that love me for me. Not only Keith and Carol.. but for all of those who love and support me. That keep me going. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I love you and don’t know where I would be without you…
<3

I am not strong, I am weak.
I am not successful, I am a piece of shit.
I am not worthy, I am a rat.

She shouldn’t have told me how she gets rid of them.

——————————————————

Fuck, I am scared. I don’t want to leave Loghan to the shitty people of this world. I wanted to teach him how to be understanding and wonderful.
But how the hell can I teach him anything when I’m drowning in my own bullshit?
I don’t want him to think I abandoned him… but he might as well see me for what I am. A failure. He’s going to hate me anyway, dead or alive.