Today, I don’t know who I am. I haven’t. Will I? When? I feel so full of questions, and like the world only has so many answers.

I see all of these people that I was once standing next to and they’re getting married. Starting families. Getting careers. Bettering themselves. Becoming someone in this crazy world that we live in. I was going to get married. I chose sex and freedom.. and told him to fuck off. I had myself a little family. Now, I’ve dragged my son to the other side of the country and abandoned his father in Iowa. I was supposed to graduate college with my Associates degree and Drug/Alcohol counseling license at the end of last semester. I slept in most of the time, and partied my ass off every night. I had sex with a large amount of people. Everyone back home thinks I’m a whore. Some may think I’m cool, but that’s because I’m down to fuck.. right?

Notice I don’t get along with many females. Their gossip, their judgment, their “square” lifestyles. Is that what a woman is supposed to be? The ones whispering in the corner with our legs crossed and children running around?

I don’t want that. I used to, though. That’s what gets me. Am I changing for the better, or for the worse? Am I realizing what’s wrong with the world or am I just forming my own excuses for a bad lifestyle? OR am I becoming an ideal person? One who is strong enough to go against what society tells me to do.

I remember when all I wanted was a wedding and a family. I wanted to be a stay at home mommy or a teacher. I looked forward to it all. Three to four kids, an “average” lifestyle.

Now I find myself beating myself up for it. I should have waited to have L. I love him so much, but I don’t think I am what I need to be for him. I can’t bring myself to be it, either. And his dad.. well, his dad thinks I’m a piece of shit. However, he doesn’t live life much differently. He can keep his pants on though. I think.

I don’t know anything more. I suppose this is just the “growing up” crisis, right?

I remember when I was younger I thought that all the women who chose not to have a few kids were wasting their lives. They were ice cold bitches who would regret it someday. Now, I’m good with just one. I might want another one eventually…. someday.

I think, maybe, I’m too dependent upon other people. I judge my life based on everyone else’s. This is how they are living.. how does my life relate? What are they doing to make them happy? Would that make me happy?

I need to become me. What do I want out of my life?

• Happiness [I want to be able to look at my life and be proud of where I am].
• Home [I want to have a place to call my own. A place where I am free to be myself...free to live life the way I want].
• Career.
• Partner [Someone to share my life with. My happiness, my home, my success or failure].

I guess that’s all I really want. I guess the question is how do I get those things? In order to get a home, I need my career. In order to get a career I have to know what I want it to be. In order to get a partner… well, I don’t know. I don’t think it’s possible to be with me very long. I am unstable. I love, but I am mean. I help, but I destroy.. I don’t know. That’s a story for another day, I suppose.

And I guess happiness would come after I obtained all of those other things.

I’m scared of my future. Almost as much as I’m scared of the present.

And I’m afraid of hurting you.

An empty void filling itself in

Sucking it all in, sacrificing none

Am I to blame?

Is he to blame, not looking at you?

Throwing it at you instead of to you

Nothing I could fix

Not that I didn’t try

You were just another disposable

Never meant for more

Or maybe you were before

Beat you to a pulp, then expected praise

Youth as an excuse

Where should the apologies go?

Should have thrown the trash out

Instead we kept digging

No more shade, we begin to grow.

I can feel it. The warmth. The comfort. Everything to make me feel at home again. A new home where I am myself. Never needing to pretend or hide. Acceptance at its finest. Let me rest my tired head, and you can rest yours as well.

Listen.  Beating a tune to fill the room. I can feel it. Relaxation fills me and I don’t feel the urgency of life anymore. All I can feel is time slowing to a halt. I want to stay in this moment forever.

And I’m not even there yet.

Photo by Barrett Bronsen

Vibrations. Start at the top, work all the way down. Heat. Filling from the middle, then spreading across through my veins. Senses. So heightened I can feel them in the clouds. Burst out and sell yourself. Touch their eyes and feel the burning. The burning desire you’ve always adored.

Rest now. Your thoughts will only shut you down.

Ctrl+Alt+Del

r2 restart

Photo by Jeffery Scott [1019]

Twenty. Hmm.
I would like:

I may get the second one.. but not the first or third. =[

I didn’t have enough.

Yes, yes I am.

Ridiculous

Arrogant

Conniving

Hateful

Empty

Loser

I watch her go all day. Never missing a spot.. dusting, scrubbing, sweeping, vacuuming, organizing, and all over again. I run out of breath for her. Sit down…
She needs a bowl.

I talked to her about legalization a little the other day. “I smoked pot before… I’m not a loser”
Never said you were a loser. If you really knew me you would think I was a loser. I’m thinking you’re more uptight.. stuck up, judgmental, uninformed..

She dropped the conversation early. Not her cup of tea.

Picture by Raven Girl Fine Art