This song gives me such good feelings… I feel so free listening to it……..

I’ve nearly stopped thinking of N. I never thought it would happen. I don’t know why, but it just seemed like he was my life for the rest of eternity.. maybe because that’s what I had been planning for the past four years. I feel this strange burst of freedom.. yet, I can feel myself floating through space.. looking for something new to orbit. I don’t quite know how to be on my own. I don’t know if that’s what I should do, or if I should give in to the gravitational pull. I can feel a rather strong pull… Does he know just what to say? Or does he mean it all? Do I even want that? He’s coming for me…

I know that there is someone I do want… and it is not him. This someone is back home with a life of his own. Yet, I can’t get him out of my head.

People call us renegades cuz we like livin’ crazy..

Maybe I’m just a delicious forbidden fruit. Maybe I really just don’t care.

I’ll just keep playing until he can join me.

I really don’t understand myself. I get my mind so set on things, and one minuscule thing can change everything. I was feeling so great… so sure of myself. But tonight I watched the movie He’s Just Not That Into You and there was my little trigger. Now, I’m in a shitty mood.. and nowhere near as optimistic as I was feeling. Maybe it was the movie combined with a lack of attention or something. I don’t get why I always need to feel admired in order to feel good about myself. That’s a sign of low self-esteem, isn’t it?

It’s crazy how I can look at other people’s lives and give them advice.. and understand everything about the situation but can’t do the same for myself. I have this crazy lack of confidence. The only time I feel confident is when someone is behind me holding me up. I need to be more independent. But, how the hell do I do that?

My thoughts get the best of me. I thought I was pushing him out of my head. I didn’t care that he has someone new, or that his life is going on without me. But, I’m so damn selfish that I can’t get over the fact that that’s true. It constantly creeps up on me. I’m trying to stop running from it.. trying to face it and get over it. Face your fears, right? Somehow that just feels like self-torture…which I’ve been told is one of my biggest problems. I don’t know what to do about that.

You know, as I was writing that I realized I have been to three therapists, and three psychiatrists. I can’t even commit to one of those. I always find myself acting like it’s a dentist appointment. “Do you brush your teeth twice a day?”

“Of course”

“Do you floss daily?”

“Yep.”

“Have you been down lately?”

“No! Been feeling great!”

I can’t seem to do anything to make myself better. Perhaps this self-torture thing is deeper than I thought. Or, perhaps I’m a bit like my hypochondriac father.

Maybe I’m completely sane and there is nothing wrong with me.

Why, then, do I feel so numb? Yet….. hurting?

I just lied to myself. I’m not numb all the time. I felt great yesterday. What’s up with these emotions and mood swings? Jesus christ.

This blog isn’t even going anywhere. I’m finished for the night. Whatever.

Life is not like the movies. Love will not be knocking at my front door tomorrow, the next day, or the next. I wish I could just accept these things, move on, and be happy with being alone.

I don’t have much to say.

It’s your birthday.

And I’ll cry if I want to.

These lips want a place to go.

But, then again, they don’t.

I’d rather be alone than give myself to someone who will throw me away.

*******

I can’t stop listening to Cage’s “Depart From Me” album.

–Thanks for sharing an awesome artist with me, Richard!

What is this pain? I haven’t felt this. I haven’t felt this way in a very long time. Or maybe it has been never. I can feel the smiles in my skin. I can taste the taste of her. GIN. Where does this shaking come from? My body hasn’t been mine in such a long time. Used to know it all. I not only had a map, I knew the whole terrain. I’ve been riding the moving walkway, without ever taking a step. I’ve shut down. I can feel the world moving around me, but I don’t respond. Paralyzed. Guilty feelings take over. I question everything. Nothing makes sense. I don’t understand. What are feelings? What are emotions? I can’t feel them anymore. My toes have gone numb.

New digits. That is me. I will not be surprised if this stays at my ear for very a long time. Sevens and threes. 7 oceans, am I correct? 3 what? I don’t know.

I’m drowning within myself. Maybe it should have happened. Was supposed to happen. 6, 14, fears.. nightmares.. every night in between. I can’t breathe. Sinking. Peacefulness takes over and I fade out once again. M and N. I didn’t ask for your help.

We thought he was gone. We searched, panic filling. He was just around the way. Impatience, not the waves. Not seven days later and the other one was gone.. Swallowed and spit back out to be found.

I’m running away, but someone’s falling in behind me. Mysteries in the water.. There’s no reflection. I want to see.

Suffering.. the lights of the eyes, the warmth in the chest…

This is me. This is all I can be.

The birds are chirping, but I’m ashamed

Hiding  from the world now

Burying my face

The world has been set in motion

But I can’t feel my feet

Touching the ground

I want to scream so loud

But the blanket’s still over my face

I can’t breathe

Rocking, swaying with our heads down

Tears falling down in waves

You’re smiling

Blankets of suffocation

Swallowing…….

I had a mixed day.

It’s Father’s Day, so we went to someone’s house to celebrate. My uncle is in the military, so we went to one of his co-worker’s house. The wife is good friends with my aunt ["We're military wives, that makes us family"] and they also have two daughters..and a pool in their backyard. We swam, cooked out, had a good time overall.

However, the co-worker gave me shit all night about how I need to “get a j-o-b” and how I text so much.. and texting costs money. He informed me that everything costs money in this world, and I can’t go forever without a “j-o-b”… so, I responded, “I know everything costs money. I lived on my own for two years but I quit my job to come here and make my life better.” He kinda shut up after that.. for a little while. I can’t blame him too much because he was drunk, but fuck.

Later, after my aunt and the wife were drunk.. they lectured me on how I need to find a good Air Force man [one that's been through college, not one that "just joined"] to marry because the benefits are great.. and even though they are gone for long periods of time, it’s so worth it. To be honest, I would prefer to fall in love with someone for who they are.. not their job, their rank, or their benefits.

Also, we had a talk about fathers. My aunt was talking about how her ex husband is an abusive, cheating meth-head/coke-head who made her feel like shit nearly everyday they were together, and then abandoned his children. We were talking about my dad, who tried to sleep with me and my friends.. forced my mom into a lot of things [including getting pregnant with me] and all his other downfalls. Then my aunt’s friend said that she understands too because she had a dad who was a terrible person.. he was gay and smoked pot, then died of AIDS. Umm.. excuse me but being a homosexual does not make you a horrible person and, unfortunately, he was a gay man in the 70′s which sadly ended in AIDS for a lot of people. Also, marijuana is a “drug” that is wrongly being prohibited because of government control issues… do the research on it. I understand that she probably had issues with her father being gay, but you would think that would make her look into it a bit more. My dad is a fucking pervert, and I tried to justify his actions. You would think she could at least show some compassion for her father enough to look into the topic. But, no.. she’s like too many other Americans who take one look at a situation and condemn it.

Someone else informed me tonight that he probably won’t be coming to visit like he said. I can’t blame him too much.. circumstances aren’t good, but it just sucks.. I really wanted L to see him. I suppose it’s pretty much my fault for taking him over a thousand miles away, though….
It will be good for me to not see him… but I just wish L could.

Anyway.. this was mainly just a “I wanna bitch about something” post. I’m in a weird mood, and I tend to bitch when that happens. I did, however, get to talk to someone great tonight… which was awesome. =] He’s pretty much a reason to smile. Makes me feel wonderful…. if only I could have him here now…Maybe he could cheer me up.

I don’t feel like doing anything. I want to melt into this bed and never move again. I tell myself, everyday that I wake up, to be strong today. Maybe it is getting easier. Maybe I am getting stronger. Maybe I’m not.. I can’t tell. I’m upset right now, and all my screws tend to go loose when I’m like this.

Sometimes I wonder if I really have anxiety problems… if I’m not just imagining it. I wonder if I’m like my father, with his hypochondriac ways. There have been things that could possibly prove I take after him. I mean, are you reading this? Am I just finding some excuse now?

I don’t want to be like my father. I don’t want to be like my mother. I don’t want to be like my aunt. I want to be someone else, but I don’t know who that is. It’s not quite me.. because I have a hard time spending the day with myself. However…. it does seem to be a little easier when I’m away from him.

I make him crazy.. and watching myself do it makes me crazy.

I wish I could interpret life in a more positive way. I’m such a crybaby about everything.

This show has been keeping me sane lately. I watch it nearly every waking minute that I’m not busy with my family.

It’s nice to have someone else’s problems to think about.

Plus, there are some parts that are funny as fuck.

Thanks for showing it to me. =]

I feel the music running through me.. my body sways with the flow. Grinding my ass on my bed… nobody to watch. Nobody to touch. I close my eyes. My body moves….. I can see you standing in front of me. I smile at that perfect face of yours and continue let the music flow through me. You step a little closer. I grab your hand, and pull you in. I move with you on top of me. I can feel the warmth between my legs as I feel you harden between yours. I want you more than ever…

I wish you were here.