Emotion. What a strange thing. Why do I feel this? I have a huge explosion of it….. building, building, building.

Boom.

I’m sorry. I’m crazy.

I didn’t mean to…

Why am I feeling this? What is this? This… feeling. I don’t feel it, why do they call it that? I can’t call this a feeling. It’s my beast.

I can feel it growing inside of me.
How do I make it disappear? It is a beast. I can’t… I can’t.

Just bleed already.

I knew it would be a fight. You’d been nagging at me all damn day. Of course this would end in a fight.. So I pulled my shoulders back, and walked in. You were silent.. but had something on your mind. I suppose you probably felt the same about me. I don’t even remember who broke the ice, or how it started. I just remember the tears. Mine. I screamed. I told you all the things that I’ve been holding back. The things people tell me. My weaknesses that pull me back to you. Your gravitational pull on me. You pull me down to the ground… and I hit it everytime. You don’t catch me, you like to see me fall. You have been holding these things against me. Things that kids do. We’re still kids, you ignorant bastard. We’re still making mistakes.. and we will continue to! I spilled it all. I’m so weak for crawling back to you, just to hear how stupid and terrible I am. You won’t let me forget. Everything is my fault. It’s all my fault and you’re getting your sweet revenge. Revenge for life’s twists.. Fuck that. Fuck it. I can’t do it!

You listened.

And then I saw the tears again. This time, they were yours.

“I’m sorry..”

You told me you never want to hear those words out of my mouth again. It’s not my fault. Did I hear you correctly?

It’s not my fault. You shouldn’t have held it all against me for so long. I’m not stupid. I’m not a terrible person.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I’m glad you don’t think so, finally. Maybe now I can work on not thinking so myself.

I feel like I can breathe again.

It’s time to sharpen.. the gold is so dull.

Deep breaths. It will be ok. Anxiety. No creativity. The walls are closing in on me. I have no escape.

I’ll slide out just before the door lands. I will outrun this storm.

6 more days.

Emotions consume. Why do they still come? They should have learned their lesson by now. Stomach cramping.. I need to vomit. Nothing comes. I see your face, and want to vomit again. You seem to have that effect on me anymore. All I wanted and it never came. The years continue to pass, where did time go? Have I really wasted this much on you?

Time to let go.

I’m sorry that I wasn’t enough. Or maybe it was you…

The road is whispering my name.

“Can you feel me?” She whispered through the phone. “Can you feel how much I want you?”
“Not as much as I really want to…God, baby how do you do this to me?” He sighed into his phone as he slowly stroked the head of his hardened cock. She had been teasing him for over an hour, telling him what she was doing to herself and what she wanted him to do to her. It was driving him crazy and he couldn’t stand it. “I need to see you, Rachel. NOW! Please…PLEASE let me come see you. Let me please you, let me have all of you.” He groaned, hoping his begging would work. He needed her. His whole body was alive with his desire. He had never wanted a woman more than he wanted her at that very moment. He had never begged a woman to let him over. It didn’t make a lot of sense to him, but he knew he had to have her and he had to have her tonight.
She giggled softly and whispered, “I’ll leave the door unlocked. If you can find me by 11:45, you can have me any way you want me.” Click. And the line was dead. He was stunned for a few seconds, processing what she just said. Glancing at the clock, his eyes bugged and he jumped to his feet. He quickly threw on pants and a jacket and dashed to his car. It was already 11:25, and normally the drive to her house took thirty minutes. He was there in ten. He had ten minutes to find her and he was close to frantic.
He ran up to her door and sure enough, it was unlocked. As he entered he closed it behind him slowly while calling out to her. “Rachel? Rachel, I’m here!” Just then a giggle echoed down the hallway. In the darkness of the front room he could just barely make out the hallway entrance. He didn’t know much about her place, but he knew she only had two rooms and a bathroom to hide in. As quickly as he could he checked the office. No Rachel there.
“Hmmm…” he mused. “I wonder where my sweet little Rachel could be…” He said this loud enough for her to head and she giggled again. He heard a drawer slide shut in her bedroom and smiled. Quickly, he dashed to her room and paused, listening very carefully. “Rachel…Ohhh Raaachel…Where are you, baby?” He checked his watch, five more minutes to find her. He quietly slipped into the bathroom, checking the shower to be sure she wasn’t there. He heard movement come from in her room and turned to look out the crack he’d left in the door. He smiled when he saw her crawling out from behind the dresser and to the other side of the bed. He watched, hardened again at the sight of her perfectly round ass peeking out from under her short silky robe.
Quickly and quietly he dropped to his knees and crawled out of the bathroom. He snuck under the bed and came out behind her on the other side. Still unnoticed, he grabbed her wrists and pinned them behind her back with one hand, the other sliding up over her mouth.
“Gotcha,” he said as he pulled her back against him. He pressed his ever hardening cock against her hands and groaned when she began to rub him. Looking at the clock on her bedside table he smiled and said, “Looks like I’m right on time.” It had just turned to 11:45. She sighed, and he could feel her smile against his hand. He slid his hand down her chin and lightly over her neck, wrapping his arm around her waist and pulling her up to her feet with him. She giggled again and asked him, “Are you ready for me, Matt?”
He growled low in her ear and spun her around kissing her deeply and holding her close. She returned his kiss with as much urgency and lifted one leg up around his waist. His hand slid up her thigh to cup her perfect ass. With grace and ease, he picked up her other leg and wrapped them around him. Slowly, he laid her back on the bed and pulled away from her beautiful face. He kissed down her neck while he untied the small silk rope that held together her robe. As it fell open he gazed down at her beautiful naked body. He quickly tied her hands together above her head.
“I want to explore every inch of you,” he said as he ran his hands down the hourglass shape of her body, over her breasts, tweaking each nipple as he passed them. She arched at his touch, everything electrified. He smiled as he began to lick and suck each nipple of her beautiful breasts. His tongue flicked and slid over each of them, teeth grazing them as he sucked. Her moans were fuel to him. He wanted to make her scream for him. He began to lick his way down her tummy as her legs fell open to give him better access to her body. He moaned when he came to the top of her beautiful mound. He kissed around her pelvis and licked softly at the tender areas around her pussy, never actually touching her. She was moaning and pushing her hips up, trying to get his mouth on her hot slit. She couldn’t take much more. Her excitement and need was amusing to Matt and he smiled as he nipped at her inner thighs with his teeth.
“Tell me what you want, Rachel. Tell me what you want me to do to you.”
“Mmmmm…Please Matt…Please lick my pussy. I want to feel your tongue all over me.”
With swift motion, he ducked his head between her legs and licked once up and down the folds of her beautiful pussy. Her body jolted and she moaned loud. “Ohhh Matt!” He began to circle her clit with his tongue, flicking the tip against it over and over, applying more and more pressure at each pass. She bucked her hips twice, out of no control of her own. She had been pulling at her ties and finally released her hands. As he spread her legs wider she grabbed his head by his hair and pushed him even more between her legs. He began to dip his long tongue in and out of her sweet pussy, the juices flowing onto his tongue. He groaned at the sweet taste and she gasped at the feeling. Soon enough, his tongue gave way to two fingers. He pushed them into her tight opening and began to slide them up, tilted at a crook to hit her g-spot. Her entire body shuddered and she bucked her hips once again. He picked up pace, his fingers sliding in and out over and over, harder and harder, all the while his tongue was flicking again and again over her clit. Her pussy was wet and slippery and he couldn’t get enough of her juices.
Suddenly, she grabbed his head and locked her thighs around him. She screamed his name over and over as she came again and again. When she finally came down from the peak of her orgasm, she slowly released his head. He pulled away and slid off the bed, quickly stripping down before sliding back between her legs. She tried to sit up and push him back, in order to return what he had just given her. Instead, he pushed her down and held her arms, retying her hands together. “Tonight, you’re MINE. And we do what I want.” He told her as he grabbed one of her legs and placed it over his shoulder. In one swift motion he slid his thick and throbbing cock into her waiting wet pussy. Both of them moaned loudly and he began to slide back and forth in and out of her, going deeper and harder with each stroke. He was ready to cum almost instantly but he kept himself from doing so. He wanted to have her as long as he could.
She was bucking her hips up to meet his thrusts and a light sheen of sweat was glistening from her.
“You’re so beautiful,” he told her as he leaned down to lick and suck on both of her nipples again. Her moans and groans were turning into screams and wails and he knew she was close to cumming. As fast as he could, he pulled out of her and flipped her over. He pulled her hips up and slid back into her fast and hard. He began to ram himself into her over and over as she called his name and the lord’s again and again. He pulled her hips back against him, watching his dick slid in and out of her. Her beautiful ass was in the air and pointing at him. He smacked each cheek hard and grabbed onto her ass to pull her back and push her forward. He could tell she was close to climax again and he sped up until she was JUST at the edge. He pulled out again and flipped her back over. He slid into her again and then rolled over to put her on top. Instantly she began to rock her hips back and forth, lifting and lowering herself on him. He untied her hands and she instantly began to rub her clit as she impaled herself on him. He was ever closer to cumming and could feel her as she came over and over, while he went deeper and deeper into him with each of her thrusts.
“Oh Matt! Oh Matt I’m gonna—I’m gonna…! AHHHHHHHH!” She screamed as a strong orgasm took her over. The spasms of her pussy muscled over his cock were too much for him to take and he too screamed as he began to cum inside her. “OH RAAACHEL!” He screamed as he thrust up into her deeper and deeper as he came hard. She was still screaming his name and rocking her hips as they both slowly came down from the peaks of orgasm. She slumped forward and laid her head on his shoulder.
They were both out of breath and covered with sweat. He wrapped his arms around her and held her close, basking in the feeling she gave him.

I can feel it building up inside me, but the result still doesn’t come. Is there something wrong with my body? Don’t tell me I have another tie to you. I can’t take it. I can’t do it. As much as I want that little jelly bean….. I can’t see it on the screen. I refuse to go.

I was going through some old poems, and felt like posting a couple.

Fiona Died

Your eyes were bloodshot long before mine
But that brought you to me
I looked while I toked
And then I saw you in my dreams
You were on my couch
Looking at me talk
My mouth has diarrhea and I can’t make it stop
You watched me be crazy
And put in your own
You gave me your bullets
Then you went on your way home
I ran across an ogre
And he wouldn’t let me go
Maybe it was his green skin
That made me feel so alone
He took away my bullets
And gave me a gun
He pushed me away
And now my mind’s on the run
I’m looking for a place to hide
Come back to me again
If you can’t tell me you love me
At least be my friend

Seeds Don’t Fall Too Far

The sink is filled again
Mold or last week’s dinner
I don’t know
I don’t know
School’s not going well
I’ve been doing too much hell
I’ll slap myself a few more times
But I never change
I never change
I do the same
Mistakes on repeat
Change the station already
The speakers are sounding funny
My head is throbbing
But only my stomach hurts
Maybe the ghost just haunts me
Like it haunts my father
I know why my mother left
My mother left 
And I went with
I watched her make mistakes
Mistakes on repeat
The record just burned onto a cd
It keeps playing
Shut it off

Just Sing To Me

Rob the cradle
Take my hand
Sing me a lullaby
I want to hear your voice
Without saying goodbye
I shot a bird last week
But my gun was invisible
It just kept on singing
It wasn’t you
It wasn’t you
It wasn’t you
I shot him in the head
I thought my gun was invisible
But it wouldn’t stop
It just ran all over the floor
Hand me a towel
Hand me a rag
I wasn’t here
I didn’t do it
Take my hand
Sing me a lullaby
I want to hear your voice
Without saying goodbye

Stories

You ripped my shirt
Then took a rip
And cried to me again
I only have so much thread
I keep pulling needles out
I don’t know from where
But they keep you around
Tangled up in my hair
Or maybe it’s just my brain
A thing called memories
I can’t get your tears to go
They just won’t ever leave
So I join in and squeeze out my own
But you were dead so long ago
You never see them here
Running down my cheeks
Dripping down to my toes
Touching every inch along the way
That you never touched
What’s wrong with me?
Why am I not good enough
I broke my heart myself
And blamed it on you
Maybe you believed me
I just made it all up

I haven’t really been in a writing mood lately. However, I do keep getting ideas of all kinds of pictures I would love to take…. lol

If I end up taking more I will have to post them. For now, I’m going to post the pictures of my Metallica signed guitar [:)] that I promised to post.

I went to Beca’s wedding reception yesterday. I’m happy for her and Rob. =] I hope they’re happy.

It was kinda depressing, considering I was supposed to be married April 19th.. but, I got over it I guess..

I don’t have a lot to say today. So I’ll shut my mouth and post pictures.

Rejection. Again.

Can’t sleep. Again.

Why can’t I let go of you? All you do is treat me like your own personal piece of shit.

16 days to go. Maybe somebody will treat me like I want to be treated. Treat me the way that I treat them… do things for me, like I do for you. Like I thought you would do for me.

Wrong again. Always wrong.

Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.

Wrong.

Fuck you. You’ll never be the man I thought you were.