The smile on my face is guilty
Betraying the smile you planted once before
When I was your rose bloom, your paint, your drug
Your inspiration
I scramble to find traces of you among my belongings
Words that coat my heart, hauntingly
Color combinations that stole the beat
Symphonies of wonderful from the mind I adored,
Adore,
Adorn
Dolor in my chest, begging for another verse
You hold my beauty in your heart
Play me just once more
Release the notes my heart sang to yours
Listen
Fire has been waiting under my sheets
And you never came

When you open up the pages you’ll see me in the faces
Listed in the bitches of the O
Just another lady, or so you could say,
taking up space on another deviant road
Screaming for attention with a silenced mouth
Loud, sirening eyes and used knees
Taken out by a fella with a secret agenda
Just let him do as he pleases
This body is not my own, it’s public property
Been around the block once or twice
[a hundred times]
Warping and changing and getting a little cold
Time to take the trash out, it’s getting kind of old

Slide right up to slide right in
Your world grabs mine in
Gravitational pull I’ve never felt
I’ve finally obtained the mass
Hypothesizing weightlessness has never been
Relaxing, frightening, exhilarating
An obsession
With a smile to fuel me, I race
Your love, appreciation, desire
Where is this finish line?

Drowning in a sea of proofs
Watching blurry faces consume existence
A smile breaks the clouds
Flying towards the light, questions consume
The past slips under
Futures spill out, raising hands to be chosen
The two hands that I watch
Move in the same direction, as always
Riddles left to be solved
With eyes closed, I continue on
Breathing may be easier underneath

Cheers to your smiles, your cars, your houses
Cheers to your success measured in paper
Cheers to this separate path we follow
So different from yours
Materialistic and mainstream
Yet I bow to you
For your happiness and fulfillment
Watch me follow my path
See the steps I take
My smile may outshine yours
And I apologize
But my tarnished gold outweighs your jewels
By far

when I was going through stuff. Just thought I would post them before I lose them.

Two By Two
She loved to sit upon the stool
and order two by two
Then closing time
When she stood on all ten
And spun in circles
Her clothes flew
Who knows where
Her ankles went into the air
She screamed and laughed
’til she exploded inside
Then she would lie awake
and cry through the day
But every night
She loved to sit upon the stool
and order two by two

Untitled
Please don’t sing
And stop writing now
Put your pen down
I’m not your muse
Don’t let me be
There’s nothing amusing
about me
I’m short, I’m lazy
I’m getting fat
I don’t deserve your
beautiful words
descriptive verses
Shakespeare’s got nothing on you
Pick another beauty
One as beautiful as me
back then
When I was the one
Who played your heart strings
Time has gone on
I’m growing older
Maturing in my body
And my mind a bit too
I’m not the same anymore
Pick another muse
Beautiful, in her youth
You can’t write about
a body that’s falling apart
or a being that nearly exists

Secondhand Stupidity
Remember holding me between your thighs
Penetrating our love
Rhythm of our hearts
Remember these tears
These abrasions
These scars…
My life will never be the same
And I’ve only got myself to blame

Old Ella Mason keeps cats, eleven at last count,
In her ramshackle house off Somerset Terrace;
People make queries
On seeing our neighbor’s cat-haunt,
Saying: ‘Something’s addled in a woman who accommodates
That many cats.’

Rum and red-faced as a water-melon, her voice
Long gone to wheeze and seed, Ella Mason
For no good reason
Plays hostess to Tabby, Tom and increase,
With cream and chicken-gut feasting the palates
Of finical cats.

Village stories go that in olden days
Ella flounced about, minx-thin and haughty,
A fashionable beauty,
Slaying the dandies with her emerald eyes;
Now, run to fat, she’s a spinster whose door shuts
On all but cats.

Once we children sneaked over to spy Miss Mason
Napping in her kitchen paved with saucers.
On antimacassars
Table-top, cupboard shelf, cats lounged brazen,
One gruff-timbered purr rolling from furred throats:
Such stentorian cats!

With poke and giggle, ready to skedaddle,
We peered agog through the cobwebbed door
Straight into yellow glare
Of guardian cats crouched round their idol,
While Ella drowsed whiskered with sleek face, sly wits:
Sphinx-queen of cats.

‘Look! there she goes, Cat-Lady Mason!’
We snickered as she shambled down Somerset Terrace
To market for her dearies,
More mammoth and blowsy with every season;
‘Miss Ella’s got loony from keeping in cahoots
With eleven cats.’

But now turned kinder with time, we mark Miss Mason
Blinking green-eyed and solitary
At girls who marry –
Demure ones, lithe ones, needing no lesson
That vain jades sulk single down bridal nights,
Accurst as wild-cats.

Among all these beautiful faces, I wish my heart could make you smile
I wish a kiss from my lonely lips was enough to last you a while
Of all the figures and shapes, I wish mine was your flower
The one you picked, without a doubt, to sit and honorably admire
Of all the secrets of the world, I wish it was mine you kept
And of all the dirty things you can dream, I wish it was me you dreamt
I wish you would hold me and never let go, just like they all say
But I know once you find a fresher fruit, you will simply go away

Peel the skin back and take a peek

Once only dirty skin deep

Now forever tainted beneath the seams

Felt you inside my veins

As if my being contained

The electricity that you exclaimed

Looking back, I clearly see

Electricity, or what I thought to be,

Was merely infernal poison to me

With eyes shut and too much to say

You reduced the price of life today

It’s more than easy to give away

Hard, solid, intimidating

Float on over, soft and easy

Sharp and snippy don’t win them all