My Thoughts «

My baby starts school in about five hours. I can’t sleep. I wish I could have put him to bed tonight… seen the excitement on his face… the anticipation.

I’m missing out on these things because I’m broke and don’t have a day job. I work nights.

I don’t have a day job and work nights because I fucked up.

I don’t know how to fix these things.

Tears won’t come, but I hurt.

Goodnight. I need to try to sleep. I can’t wait to see his face in the morning.

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Ex Girlfriend

by R 2 on Aug.04, 2010, under My Music, My Photos, My Thoughts

I kinda always knew I’d end up your ex-girlfriend
I kinda always knew I’d end up your ex-girlfriend
I kinda always knew I’d end up your ex-girlfriend
I hope I hold a special place with the rest of them
And you know it makes me sick to be on that list
But I should have thought of that before we kissed

You say you’re gonna burn before you mellow
I will be the one to burn you
Why’d you have to go and pick me?
When you knew that we were different, completely

I kinda always knew I’d end up your ex-girlfriend
I kinda always knew I’d end up your ex-girlfriend
I hope I hold a special place with the rest of them
I kinda always knew I’d end up your ex-girlfriend

I’m another ex-girlfriend on your list
But I should have thought of that before we kissed

Your wildness scares me
So does your freedom
You say you can’t stand the restrictions
I find myself trying to change you
If you were meant to be my lover I wouldn’t have to

And I feel so mean, I feel in between
‘Cause I’m about to give you away

I kinda always knew I’d end up your ex-girlfriend (for someone else to take)
I kinda always knew I’d end up your ex-girlfriend (am I making a mistake?)
I hope I hold a special place with the rest of them (all the time that we wasted)
I kinda always knew I’d end up your ex-girl, friend

I’m another ex-girlfriend on your list
But I should have thought of that before we kissed
I’m another ex-girlfriend on your list
But I should have thought of that before we kissed

I’m about to give you away for someone else to take
I’m about to give you away for someone else to take

We keep repeating mistakes for souvenirs
And we’ve been in between the days for years
And I know that when I see you I’m going to die
I know I’m going to want you and you know why
It’s going to kill me to see you with the next girl
‘Cause I’m the most gorgeously jealous kind of ex-girl

But I should have thought of that before we kissed…

I’m another ex-girlfriend on your list
But I should have thought of that before we kissed
I’m another ex-girlfriend on your list
But I should have thought of that before we kissed

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Not conceited.. more like…disheartened

by R 2 on Jun.29, 2010, under My Random, My Thoughts

Humans are so odd. I am baffled by how I can be one.

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Dismal Chasm

by R 2 on Jun.18, 2010, under My Thoughts, Poems

The smile on my face is guilty
Betraying the smile you planted once before
When I was your rose bloom, your paint, your drug
Your inspiration
I scramble to find traces of you among my belongings
Words that coat my heart, hauntingly
Color combinations that stole the beat
Symphonies of wonderful from the mind I adored,
Adore,
Adorn
Dolor in my chest, begging for another verse
You hold my beauty in your heart
Play me just once more
Release the notes my heart sang to yours
Listen
Fire has been waiting under my sheets
And you never came

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For My Lover, Returning To His Wife

by R 2 on Jun.15, 2010, under My Random, My Thoughts

She is all there.
She was melted carefully down for you
and cast up from your childhood,
cast up from your one hundred favorite aggies.
She has always been there, my darling.
She is, in fact, exquisite.
Fireworks in the dull middle of February
and as real as a cast-iron pot.
Let’s face it, I have been momentary.
vA luxury. A bright red sloop in the harbor.
My hair rising like smoke from the car window.
Littleneck clams out of season.
She is more than that. She is your have to have,
has grown you your practical your tropical growth.
This is not an experiment. She is all harmony.
She sees to oars and oarlocks for the dinghy,
has placed wild flowers at the window at breakfast,
sat by the potter’s wheel at midday,
set forth three children under the moon,
three cherubs drawn by Michelangelo,
done this with her legs spread out
in the terrible months in the chapel.
If you glance up, the children are there
like delicate balloons resting on the ceiling.
She has also carried each one down the hall
after supper, their heads privately bent,
two legs protesting, person to person,
her face flushed with a song and their little sleep.
I give you back your heart.
I give you permission -
for the fuse inside her, throbbing
angrily in the dirt, for the bitch in her
and the burying of her wound -
for the burying of her small red wound alive -
for the pale flickering flare under her ribs,
for the drunken sailor who waits in her left pulse,
for the mother’s knee, for the stocking,
for the garter belt, for the call -
the curious call
when you will burrow in arms and breasts
and tug at the orange ribbon in her hair
and answer the call, the curious call.
She is so naked and singular
She is the sum of yourself and your dream.
Climb her like a monument, step after step.
She is solid.
As for me, I am a watercolor.
I wash off.

Anne Sexton

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-_-

by R 2 on Jun.09, 2010, under My Thoughts

My heart and mind are screaming for stimulation.

I want your expression. Please, it’s all I ask of you.

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You Who Never Arrived by Rainer Maria Rilke

by R 2 on Jun.08, 2010, under My Photos, My Thoughts

You who never arrived
in my arms, Beloved, who were lost
from the start,
I don’t even know what songs
would please you. I have given up trying
to recognize you in the surging wave of the next
moment. All the immense
images in me– the far-off, deeply-felt landscape,
cities, towers, and bridges, and unsuspected
turns in the path,
and those powerful lands that were once
pulsing with the life of the gods-
all rise within me to mean
you, who forever elude me.

You, Beloved, who are all
the gardens I have ever gazed at,
longing. An open window
in a country house–, and you almost
stepped out, pensive, to meet me.
Streets that I chanced upon,–
you had just walked down them and vanished.
And sometimes, in a shop, the mirrors
were still dizzy with your presence and, startled,
gave back my too-sudden image. Who knows?
perhaps the same bird echoed through both of us
yesterday, seperate, in the evening…

*************************

~This reminds me of you~